Is there something about listening to Asa that just relaxes the mind and makes you feel at peace with yourself? Because I think there is something truly magical about her voice. I sit in my room, with the cool air biting at my fingertips; the light dim but a frosty fluorescent color sets the mood, and my fingers can’t help but dance to the melodious tunes that Asa belts out.
Lately, I’ve feel like God has been calling me to feel more. To actually feel life. To not just drift through my life as a mediocre person, but to feel each moment. To not spend it consumed with other people’s opinions; not spend it rushing through things. And I feel like most people around me has fallen into the trap of not thinking for themselves.
Tonight, I watched a video in which SassyBlack aka Sope Delano, a media personality and blogger, decided to take a break from it all for 9 months. To me, that seemed crazy! How could she have worked so hard for something to just throw it all on the back burner and decide she wanted to focus on other things in the mean time? But, she did what she wanted to. She didn’t fear other people’s opinions, or wether her fans would leave her. And as I watched, I saw she seemed utterly and completely happy with the choice she had made.
And like Sope, I want to be happy with choices I’ve made/ will make for myself.
I don’t want to live an empty life scared to be my own true self because I constantly worry about what people think about me. I’ve noticed fear of other people hinders me when I write my poems, considering the audience sucks me dry of the very life I hope to establish in my writings. Constantly worrying about why I don’t get as many notes as others on my writing, or writing to be in line with popular belief robs me of my beautiful, multifaceted voice.
My voice wants to make known that I am every bit as imperfect as you are, but I am still perfect in my very own being. I laugh too loud. I talk too loud. I like to dance at random times in public, and I still desire to lay in the grass on a blanket reading Americanah by Chimamanda Adichie.
I listen to the same spoken word pieces over and over again, yearning to find my voice like these powerful souls who have managed to pour their feelings unto the canvas of life. I listen to these speeches over and over again because I have fallen in love with their truths, the way they lend me their voice for a moment.
I have taken days on end to read poems, and to establish my own thoughts about these poets without them simply being handed to me. I have let other people’s creativity explore and search my inner being, bringing down my walls.
I have fallen deeply in love with my roots. I have watched videos and scoured the net for books on my Nigerian history. I have researched the history of my naturally curly hair, I have connected to myself more than I have tried to in all my years of living.
But most significantly, I have learned to tear down my walls.
For the longest time, I could never actively engage people in the intricacies of my life. I was super closed off because…. I don’t know (to be honest). But lately, I’ve learned “It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to let people know you are not okay”. And there are too many people in my life who ,unknowingly and knowingly, have forced me out of my comfort zone. Being outside of my comfort zone is risky, but I’ve found so much more love and fulfillment in it.
This is my new way of blogging called free blogging where I write freely at moments in life I feel super inspired to share. I hope you like it!
Loves x kisses,